The Pain :/

Sorry, but I had to share this. 

I feel it so much... but my words are not enough to to express those emotions, even if I did; I might again and again be considered week and vulnerable with those feelings as these people won't ever understand me truly and how deeply I am concerned, I know at times I might be vulnerable I might be too emotionally attached, there is actually a trauma related to it which I felt and was so shakened by it that it kinda reshaped and forged me into this, I was never like this never ever... but unfortunately due to those mis-happenings which occurred about 4 years ago, they have me shaped my inner core into this and I have seriously tried hard, a lot hard and at times even after failing I have kept trying to regain myself and have restored a lot but still not completely .... Last year too I was so left out and had nobody with me that day, I could have gone there but to the root level, to those beautiful people my ugly ass would just be a burdensome experience and naa chaahte hue bhi unhe mujhe waisa achha achha treat karna padta for the sake of connections and contributions of my parents... So, I decided not to go there, as 'She' might not be happy seeing my face again and specially if it was that auspicious day for 'her' and the people she considers her family, I sacrificed my happiness and cried to the hardest that day ... Was so damn deceived and lonely kyuki shaayad ab mai is layak bhi nahi bacha tha, this hurts me till this date and knowing that I don't have anybody else than 'her' as I have lost them maybe due to parental conflicts.... This makes me feel worse, she never wanted to consider me too as it was too late ... ye us hi ke words the can't forget still though it has been more that 2 years now, ab life me kabhi wo khushiyan nahi mil sakti is baat ka bohot dukh hota hai, this loss this grief has shattered me into so many pieces that I won't ever be able to recover from, I wish someone actually understands what I am going through because of this... maybe it's a simple little thing but yep cannot afford that pure love anymore, when I see posts like 'those' my inner self just seeks that person's warmth ki please mujhe bhi thoda sa , I am not your enemy and I won't annoy you thoda sa bhi nahi, but then I realise ki it's not practically possible for me anymore... I would have to live like this for the rest of my life, I am not like this I know, but the world won't let me be the person I always wanted to be.

  Attaching that screenshot finally, which made me thought all of it again after days. 

Wish, I also had someone like her who would actually think of me too in her hard times and even if ye na mil sake ... Then too atleast some little amount of connection, but whatever literally whatsoever I do, my ugly ass face will just receive hatred, ignorance, inferiority, too much of judgement, if there is slightest amount of compassion left in this world, left in them ... for that I still have a little hope hidden inside me that I will recieve all this, complete of this. But, in practicality it's not possible and since I have hope left in me it makes the possibility of all that to happen and 'sustain' makes actually impossible. 

With practical hopelessness (idk if the spelling is right or wrong for I'm too emotional right now) this is Karan, signing out.